Many who lived with addiction have past behaviors they’re not proud of. By proactively correcting previous mistakes, those in recovery may be able to prevent future conflicts that could trigger a relapse. For many who lived in addiction, apologizing was a regular habit. Whether it was apologizing for being late for work, missing an event, misusing property or stealing money to support an addiction, expressing remorse was likely a daily occurrence. The guilt may have been real, but the apology didn’t come with lasting change.
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Whenever possible, a direct amend is made face-to-face rather than over the phone or by asking someone else to apologize on your behalf. Many people think of making amends as simply apologizing for whatever wrongs they did in their using, however an apology is not an amend. An amend involves rectifying https://ecosoberhouse.com/ or making right what was wrong. For example, say that you stole $20 from your brother while you were using. In the midst of your ninth step, you say to him “I’m so sorry that I stole that money from you and used it for drugs”. A true amend would be giving him $20 back along with the apology.
Making Indirect Amends
After years of being bossy and overbearing, my basic apologies meant little. They don’t always see my hands off approach as sincere kindness, but my motives are pure. I don’t call him to see how his meeting went this week or what step he’s on. If he specifically asks for my opinion, which he doesn’t, I will give it. Early recovery can be incredibly lonely and frustrating, and we may feel angry or rejected when a person doesn’t seem to recognize the growth we’re committed to making.
What’s the Difference between Making Amends and Offering an Apology?
what is a living amends is the part of your recovery where you must “walk your talk” by incorporating positive, healthy habits into your new sober lifestyle. These amends affirm your commitment to sobriety and focus on how you’ll become a better person moving forward. A big part of working the 12-Step Program is making amends. Unfortunately, after you get sober, all the hurt and destruction you caused in the wake of your addiction doesn’t just go away. You have to put in the work to repair the damage and heal those relationships.
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- When you make amends, the way you look and feel about situations changes.
- It takes a certain maturity and level of respect for yourself and the person you’re hoping to reconnect with to get past any past issues.
- When you’re ready to make amends, you can find support to guide you through the process.
- These steps mean taking ownership of the past, apologizing for wherever you made mistakes and moving forward from those missteps.
- The Twelve Step recovery process involves recognizing how this behavior has harmed others and seeking to repair the mistakes and damages you’ve caused in your addiction.
- Similarly, making living amends means you completely change the way you live and remain committed to that lifestyle.
- It is about what we do despite that wrongdoing, “abandoning [our] right to resentment . . . “.
Making amends with the people you’ve fallen out with as you’re thinking about mortality and what happens when you die is one way of finding emotional freedom and closure. But what happens when the person you need to make amends with dies before you’re able to apologize and change your ways? Unfortunately, this scenario plays out much too often in the lives of people who didn’t get a chance to correct their mistakes and past behaviors in time. The time it will take depends on many factors, such as your comfort level, the number of people hurt, and the severity of the damage caused. Just like your substance use in active addiction, your process of making amends in recovery will also be unique. There is not one standard way to go about making amends and repairing a connection with someone, especially after years of substance abuse.
- Then, the next time around, make sure to make good on your word.
- You can also turn to AA’s Big Book and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (the 12 & 12) for guidance specific to Step 8.
- Living amends is a third option for those in the ninth step of recovery.
The changes that occur due to your efforts positively affect your commitment to becoming a better friend, child, parent, or person all around. In Twelve Step recovery from alcohol or drugs, a direct amendment is when you personally address issues with people who have been harmed by your behavior or treatment because of your addiction. This involves going to each individual and acknowledging the harm/hurt you’ve caused them and demonstrating changed behavior to give them an opportunity to heal. A direct amendment should be done in a face-to-face situation.
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